life in a different light

2011-04-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

things took a slightly different turn as of late.
doors opened and closed.
opprtunites come.
but different amounts of light shine through the doors that are opened.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i usually dismissed that
but
now i realized how true that is.

i miss her.
but which her do i really miss?

2011-03-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

林俊傑 - 我很想愛他天空下起雨了他撐的傘在你身邊陪著可是我不快樂因為看見他臉上的笑是很勉強的我很想愛他但是眼睛在說謊隱瞞比較容易吧免得感情變的複雜我很想愛他但是理智在吵架退出可能解圍嗎誰能給我一個好的回答如果再捨不得這樣下去我們每個人都是受害者我很想愛他但是眼睛在說謊隱瞞比較容易吧免得感情變的複雜我很想愛他但是理智在吵架退出可能解圍嗎誰能給我一個好的回答當愛情陷在危險邊緣是否都會傷痕纍纍是否都會苦不堪言我很想愛他但是眼睛在說謊隱瞞比較容易吧免得感情變的複雜我很想愛他但是理智在吵架退出可能解圍嗎誰能給我一個好的回答愛情教會我們都放不下 Tell me what to do. Really. Thankfully the camp comes as a welcome distraction. Otherwise i think i will really go crazy.

2011-03-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

i decided to revive this blog again.
after things from the past came to visit.

the reason why i even created this blog at the very beginning
was for someone to HOPEFULLY see the transition
that was taking place in me.

for the past few years
it hasnt been really taking place.
i DID change
but not because of anyone in particular
it was more of through time
and more of the circumstances, environment

but.
things have changed
or im not sure whether they have.
maybe its me thinking too much
maybe its me letting my thoughts wander.

i feel guilty.
after how events transpire this morning.
i don't know whether its the right thing
but i know that i dont have control over what she wants to do.

i dont know whether i still love
or even like her anymore.
im confused to be honest.
and to further add on to this confusion,
there's this girl who recently came into my life.
and give it such a spin
such a twist.
that a part of me tells me that she could be the one for me already.

but in my life.
never do i get the things i want/desire that easily.
it somehow has to be more complicated
more complex.

5201314?
To who? And whether its worth me investing my all.
Hopefully time will tell.

2010-11-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

do they remember?
or is it simply a case of my expectations being too high

maybe im slowly being forgotten.
maybe i dont matter much anymore.

2010-09-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

it hurts.
to know that when you need that someone
to understand
to relate
to help you cope.

she's not there.

financial difficulties
issues of friendship
issues of love.

i really wish you are here now.

2010-09-18T21:43:00.001-07:00

for starters, i didnt realized the previous post was my 100th entry. so yeah. hurray?

you made me realized so much more.
about myself.
about you.
about love.
within such a short span of time.

its intense
its overwhelming at times.
but.
its exactly what i want of now.

give me time.
give yourself time.
to know that little more
about me.
about us.

before you reach a judgment.
before you reach a conclusion

i hope u will see me in a different light.
cause you are 1 very special special person
and u have no idea how much you mean to me.

2010-08-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

if love is a person
we would be strangers

if love is a type of food
i would be allergic to it

if love is a subject
i would fail it every time i took a test

if love is the last train/bus
i would miss it

you,you,you and you made me cry.
watching 500daysOfSummer just made things worse.
i cant believe that im so foolish.
to ever think that it was even possible.
that something between us could work out.
in the end, the only one in tears is me.

don't come into my life again.
otherwise i will go crazy over you.

2010-07-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

its been a long while.
since someone made me smile.
and i wouldnt have seen it coming
that the person would be you.

however, i cant escape
neither could i run away
from the haunting truth
that its not possible between us in any way.

distance yourself away from me
i dont want to entertain the possibility
that we could become a single entity
cause thats how it will be.

i miss

2010-07-04T01:55:00.000-07:00

the days where i could wake up at 1230pm on a sunday
the thrill i got from playing catching at a multi level carpark
those moments where time stood still, and my eyes were only focused on you.
the late afternoons spent in school, studying with my classmates.
travelling. (10 years and counting)
lazing around the couch and watching re-runs of lame chinese melodramas.
spending time at the cabin, playing CM.
wasting afternoons playing basketball and street soccer.
heading down to the gym and sweating it all out (to be corrected in a week's time.i hope.)
heading down to the pool and getting a suntan.
sending texts to encourage her when she's feeling down.
whispering ILY to her.
holding her hands, and hugging her tight, telling her that everything's alright.

most importantly,
i miss the feeling of being loved, and loving someone.

2010-06-24T03:24:00.000-07:00

plaza sing starbucks the location
tonnes of thoughts surfacing.
guess i'll share them before it fades into oblivion

love.
it has been shaped/transformed.
once based on trust/character/faith
is now based upon money/looks/stature

where does that leave people like me?

love.
makes the world go round?
no.
MONEY makes the world go round.

some people tell me.
forget about past hurts
i say to them
i did.
just that i build a wall around my heart.
as a result of those MOTHER FUCKING PAIN.

1Cor 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
parental love perhaps.
spiritual love perhaps.
LOVE FROM A GIRL?
NO FUCKING WAY.

so many FUCKING TIMES
a girl will tell me
"why didnt you confess to me earlier"
in my mind i would conjure
"WHY DIDNT YOU FUCKING WAIT."

i guess.
its time to move.

needs&wants

2010-05-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

i need to start running again
i need to start strumming again.
i need to find a weekend job.
i need to get a cardigan
i need to start my revision.

i want a printed tee every month
i want white berms/pants
i want KOI/starbucks every week.

i want somebody to love.

2010-04-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

its so tiring.
to get everyone as bonded as possible.
its taking a toll on me.
EVEN THOUGH ITS THE SECOND DAY ONLY.

whats more.
now a few other problems surfaced.
am i part of you all?
do you guys leave me out because of my age?
or is it because some1 asked you all to leave me out?\
i dont wanna guess anymore.

i thought poly would be enriching.
i thought poly would be another opportunity to make things right.
now im doubting my decision.

thanks to XY and Lionel.
for talking to me.
for making me feel that little bit better.

just that little bit better.

2010-04-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

another start.
another beginning.
and there's no other way.
than to move up.

ive been through worse situations.
ive been through lousier times.
and i know.
that this one's gotta count.

no more distractions.
no more off-the-court movements.
dedication,hard work,effort all mixed together.

lets make this last opportunity work.

2010-03-22T03:13:00.000-07:00

nearly a month since i written anything here.
this blog has now become a place where i revisit those moments.
since no one reads it anyway.

how things changed within a month.
at least im smiling more.
actually much more.
things started to fall into place slowly.
all because ive started to take risks.

but all it took was one day to nearly destroy all that.
and it nearly left me crumbling to pieces.
but this time round, im made of stronger stuff.

its been awhile since i had those feelings.
and i hope they dun fade away as fast as the other time.

2010-02-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

its ONCE AGAIN an issue of too little, too late.
always seems to be the case.
but yet.
i thought that biding for my time was the right thing to do?

thankfully, im nt as disappointed as i wld have expected myself to be.
so for that, im quite proud of myself actually.
perhaps this has all got to do with expectation management.

i knew it wasnt likely that i could find love in that kind of place.
and.
i guess i will just have to stick to waiting a little bit longer for that elusive feeling to come into my life once again.

2010-02-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

within 3 hours, the past and hopefully the future collided.
and i have clarified things with someone, hopefully.

thankfully i have learn the importance of expectation management.
and im ensuring that the i will do whatever it takes to make sure i always have that mentality in mind.

2010-01-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

perhaps its the songs that iTunes shuffled.
perhaps its the lyrics in the 4 songs.

Never Say Never-The Fray
你最近还好吗-S.H.E
轨迹-周杰伦
The Reason-Hoobastank

that has gotten me all emotional
and each song has its own personal reason.

i guess im gonna sleep with a heavily burdened heart.
i guess that i should simply stop all that im doing.
i guess i should leave your life asap.

before i start to ponder
whether its even possible.

would you remember me if i die tonight?

2010-01-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

unrequited.
joy.pain.agony.frustration.happiness.
all rolled into one.

perhaps i should just stop here.
perhaps i shouldnt allow myself to go any further.
perhaps i should just slowly drift away from you.

the good guy never wins.

2010-01-04T08:27:00.000-08:00

its the 4th, nearing 5th day of the year alrd.
and my first working day didnt panned out as well as i would have wanted it to be.

i know its kinda late to do this.
but i figure i have to start doing so.

Things that happen to me in 2009

1.I ORD.
-guess its simple enough to understand.army was both a bane and something that i benefitted a lot from.The friends,the good memories, the not so good ones, and the downright horrible ones.
A lot to take in. It made me both a stronger and a weaker person at the same time. Stronger physically, stronger mentally, but emotionally weaker. weaker by A LOT.But thankfully, that would be rectified in the months to come
-to p5:i know you all prolly aint reading this, but im thankful for the times we shared,esp the last 3mths, all the havoc,fun,talks we shared.really appreciate it.shoutouts to jeremy,jason,jesse,samuel,shan wen.

2.Working.
-after a few mths of having temp jobs here and there, i finally got something stable in terms of the work that im doing currently. Initially it was pretty smooth-sailing, but lately, things have turn for the worse, and im pretty amazed by myself, that im still able to be able to be composed amidst all the back-stabbing,bickering,gossiping present, all happening in such a confined environment. do i feel outcast? quite, but in a good way, cause im simply not interested to get myself entrenched in such nonsense. so you can say tt weekdays have been pretty mundane for me. but thankfully with the plans in place, weekdays aint THAT boring.hopefully.

3.W497
-if not for Jason and Kelvin asking me to attend svc tgt with them ard Dec2008, i guess i would prolly never go church anymore.seriously.cuz i dont feel that attached to all things related to church and God there and then.partly due to the time i had with E242, which was bittersweet. W497 felt different.somehow.perhaps maybe when i was with E242, i didnt really have a say in things that will affect me both directly/indirectly.but in W497, at least opinions/concerns/suggestions are shared more freely/openly. I have a great bunch of friends in there [you all know who you are:)] and more to come,which im pretty sure.
-To Estelle,sometimes you have no idea what a wonderful cgl you are to me.for the sms-es,for the rantings,for my nonsense during cgm,im thankful that you managed to both withstand it,as well as reprimanded me in a way which i totally can understand.thank you.
-To Kelvin & Jason,thanks for inviting me there and then.i guess you 2 picked me up when i was going through my toughest time.and for letting me feel not out of place in the cell.And to more guitar lessons in the future.hahaha.and to more soccer matches in the future.
-To Gwen & Kamy,my skpye/msn gang, the late night convos,the meetups,the chats,all the chitterchatter,all are appreciated.really.you 2 have no idea the impact the convos it had on me.and the shopping we had/and will be having in the future.and here's to even more late night skype.
-To Jovy,Kai Ting, you 2 make me feel at least 6 years younger.hahah.but that's true.im pretty surprised that i can managed to click with u 2, thanks to the common interests we've had.im sure 2010 will be a even greater year filled with shopping/baking?/cooking?/gossiping?. hahaha.[the question marks are there on purpose.]
-To Delicia,Puayling,Leibing,im pretty sure the laughter moments will be remembered.haha.2010 will be filled with more of those moments, as well as the "epic fail" ones.ROFLMAO.
-To Ben,Rouping, you 2 know perfectly well what i meant sometimes.HAHAH.and im sure 2010 i will learn more canto! hahah. and ben, thx for the msn convos.

4.Turning 21.
-some may argue 21 is just another number,but to me it signifies the fact that im a full-fledged adult in legal terms.that i can watch "decent" movies.that i can basically do whatever i want.[not entirely].the birthday party was a bash.and thanks to those who came, the presents, and the atmosphere. i really appreciate it.

5.Standard Chartered Marathon.
-i finally achieved it.running 42.195km.but it was more than the t-shirt and the medal.it was abt pure determination,grit,sweat [no tears],contemplation,running,jogging,walking,limping all rolled into that distance.the venue made it bittersweet for me.all the memories flood back.all the potential things happening there started to envisioned inside my mind.it was a struggle for me towards the end, with my knee hurting badly,but thanks to God,i managed to pull through.for me,i came to realize,its nt about the distance,its abt completing the race.and im sure that no matter what race/challenges comes,my God will be there for me.and the t-shirt sadly wasnt as good as the Adidas one,but im still taking it.haha.

6.New/Renewed friendships.
-2009 was a year where i met new friends[fb friends2008:less than 100,fb friends 2009:582 and counting], renewed friendships with certain pple that once mattered to me.i really hope for 1 of them,it can also mean something extra,something else.i really hope/pray/wish for positive things to happen between us.

what am i planning for 2010?
what can i say.it all boils down to 1 word.
seriousness.

2010-01-01T06:35:00.000-08:00

am currently at bugis starbucks.
the internet at home is WAYYYY too unstable and inconsistent.
have to come out and do my planning for 2010.
and also to clear some thoughts.

anyway.
2009 has been a year of more ups and downs.
thankfully.
though in terms of news.
esp in the area of entertainment and sports,
its been scandals after scandals.

tiger woods.michael phelps.caster semanya.michael jackson.
and more. i just cant seem to be able to think of more at this current pt of time
also, it was a year where music discovered a few breakout artistes.
LADY GAGA.ADAM LAMBERT.
lols.[partly cuz im bias.]

politics.
it was officially obama's 1 year in White House.
did he do a gd job?
not exactly.
but he definitely inject enthusiasm, and optimism among the people around.
but winning the Nobel Peace Prize got him more flak, and unnecessary pressure upon him as well.
but the Copenhagen summit was a total letdown.
even though he PERSONALLY made a plea to the rest of the countries.
cause whatever he drew out made him look like a tyrant.

the iPhone made a blast in 2009 as well.
everyone kinda desired to have it.
though Blackberry also made a case for itself.
but i aint interested in both.
cuz i think that the iPhone is a little overhyped,whereas i would prolly own a blackberry 5 years down the road.

well.i wished i could write an article, like how i did for 2008.
but im kinda beat after the events yesterday.
which was a total blast btw.
so, here's wishing my limited readers an awesome 2010 ahead.
and all e best in whatever that they you are doing.

2009-12-28T02:52:00.000-08:00

first time im blogging using a comp that i shldnt be using at all.
but internet connection @ home is way too unstable.
and im way too bored now.

its only 4 days more to 2010.
and so many things have alrd passed me by.
and so many things that i had wanted to do this year,
that i both achieved and failed to accomplish.

more to come over the next few days.

2009-12-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

3 more weeks to 2010.
a decade lived out.
what the next 1 going to be like?

i need to start to put the plans into place.
i need to make the moves real soon.
but firstly,
i need to be patient.
the timing is essential.

2009-12-09T09:34:00.001-08:00

my internet connection's pretty screwed up.and i have no idea why.

after reading people's blogs.
after hearing comments from pple close.
i have quite conflicting thoughts.

am i doing too much for people that prolly dun give a fuck (i so have to use that word) about me?
or actually they do appreciate?
just that they dont show it the way i wld prefer them to?

am i thinking too much about certain pple that prolly consider me as their option, even when i consider them as one of my priorities?
or am i simply having too much priorities?

should i simply care more about myself? and simply dont give a damn about what everyone else is doing?
but that wont be being me.

i want to be appreciated for what i do.
not to be taken for granted.
is that too much to ask?

imnot o-fucking-kay.

2009-12-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

i still cant believe that i actually finished the marathon.
there were no doubt times that i wanted to give up.
both my legs cramped up.
and the heat was so unbearable towards the end.
but, eventually, I still had a photo finish in the end.

throughout the marathon, it made me think alot.
i managed to blitz through the first 12k.
then was kinda running/jogging/walking for the next 9km.
it made me think abt the possibilites that i could have in the future.
be it relational, or issues with regards to my education.
i was thinking abt the possibilites for alot of things.

then, the next 21km, which was mostly walking/limping/jogging.
it made me think abt my past.
esp the stretch that me and her went tgt for cycling once.
it made me think abt the happy moments that we cherished there and then.
it was only then, that i realized, that those moments are unlikely to happen with her anymore.
that after so long, i have finally managed to put it all down.
and to let it all go.

well, it is deinitely sth that i will rmb for the rest of my life.

2009-11-29T10:06:00.000-08:00

this post is dedicated to her and the usual gang.

its been a long while.
ever since such feelings surfaced.
ever since such joyous moments were felt.

though im nowhere close to a victory.
at the very least i had make the first few steps.
i hope that now, you can start to trust me.

my team won the food race.
thanks to everyone's efforts.
and the part where i was trying to be yaya papaya.
it was just for fun ah.hehe.

i might know how to get around places.
but there just seem to be 1 address.
where i have completely no idea of how to go to.
and that's your heart.

at the very least.
you have opened up that lil bit more to me.
i dunno whether its just be reading wrongly.
but i wld rather take the risk.
gambled on it.
then to watch you leave my life.

it kinda hurts.
to see you nearly tearing.
how i wish.
that i wld be the one to alleviate your pain.

a shoutout to the 2 of you.
thx for e dinners,the convos.
and for listening.
if anything happens, i will let u 2 noe :)
and congrats on being ********

ipromisenottomakeyoucry.

2009-11-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

i have pretty much nothing to do already. so here i am.
pretty weird, maybe ironic, that im sleeping early, tho im nt working tml.

seeing you makes it feel that little better.
im sure you have absolutely no idea of that.
and i would like to keep things that way currently.

ihopeicanbethetickettoyourhappiness.

2009-11-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

how would i end this year?
with a bang, or with a whimper?

questions that still remain unanswered.
moves that still remain untouched.
hearts that still remain unmoved.

how would i want to start the next year?
what's the point when the best you can offer up to the table are mere words?

2009-11-16T08:07:00.000-08:00

if its me that you want things to be let known.
please just tell me.
please allow me the chance/opportunity to avoid such debating within my mind.
if its not possbile right from the start.
just let me know.

i wld rather it to be that way.
instead of the current scenario.
where my perceived way of you handling things.
is simply making things worse.

especially after what happened over the past few days.
i want to cherish the people that mattered to me even more.
but right now.
it seems as if
that you do not want me to include you inside that list.

so please tell me what to do.
i want to initiate.
but its not getting a reply from your side.
are you doing this on purpose?

dontletitdragmuchlonger.

2009-11-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

Part 2.

i really cant believe it.
that you have been taken away.
to spend time with God.

im still reeling from shock.
from the way that you have been taken.
the world was out there for you to conquer.
for you to achieve the greatness that you have set out for.

but now.
all that's left now.
is the memories.
is the nostalgia.
is the moments.
that we shared.

i know that you will be up there.
looking after us.
and we promise you.
that we will rmb you.
that cheeky smile of yours.
that bubbly attitude of yours.

now.
what we learnt.
is to cherish the ones
that matters to us.
even more.
and if u r reading this girl.
iwillcherishyouevenmore.
beitwhetherwearetogetheornot.

R.I.P Augustine.
you will be missed.

2009-11-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

today's entry will be seperated into 2 parts. this is part1.

i realized that im once again at a stage.
where i have to ask myself.
whether to go all out and give my all for her.
or that it will result in me getting my heart crushed
and having that same feeling of dejection all over again.

it all boils down to.
whether you are looking for THE ONE?
or whether you are looking for SOMEONE that will eventually be leading up to THE ONE?
or whether you are looking for someone that you treat it as a stepping stone to THE ONE?

i wished things were simpler.
i wished that you could look into my heart.
knowing, being assured that i will give nth but my best, my all for you.

if only.
you could see things that way.
then i would be spared of the mental torment.
thats currently happening to me.

youmatteredalottome
butyouhaveabsolutelynoideaofthat.

2009-11-13T11:11:00.000-08:00

its now 3.10am.
and im NOT sleeping yet.
and im WORKING tml.
amazing stuff.

but.
you are not the reason for my insomnia.
you are not on my mind right now.
tho you will prolly be
when im lying on my bed later.

thx for the 170 conversation.
it paved the way
for realization
of certain things that i perceived as the norm.

the balance is so hard to achieve.
but.
thats the life i wna set out for.
thats the answer that i will give you.

and as to you.
what can i say.
you are a pleasant surprise to my life.
but one that im afraid that i cant call my own.

all i can do right now.
is to be constant.
is to be still.
and let you see the magic that i can bring into your life.

maturity+fun loving :)

2009-11-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

blogging with more regularity.
in case just 1 day.
i suddenly would to suffer from dementia.
all these will be useful somehow.

well, its real cliche.
but time passes by real fast.
esp when you are enjoying it.
the goals that ive set out for.
have i really achieved them?

i want to understand you more.
to be able to feel you real close.
to be able to carry those burdens.
that you so want to get rid of.

question is.
would you let me enter?

2009-11-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

ive finally cleared the dust off the blog.
and with that, comes an entry that i feel, more than anything, will shaped my actions/words for at the very least the next 6 mths

have i try too hard?
to get to what i want?
am i being my true self?

well, i dare say that i am being true to myself.
but after some self-reflection, i realized sth.
they will eventually just treat me as a good friend.
nothing more.
i want to be that sth else to her.
but it never seems to be the case.

am i too darn cui?
in terms of looks?
in terms of financial ability?
in terms of charisma?

well. i would like to think so, at times.
it used to be worse during those 2 years.

what can i do.
to make you want to know me more?

am i feeling emo again?

2009-09-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

goodbye to my grandfather.
perhaps the gap was too big.
someone i dun really have a true understanding of.
except of the things he did.

perhaps the moment of reflection is here once again.

2009-09-06T02:43:00.000-07:00

Everything starts from here.
Once Again.

with renewed passion.
with renewed vigour.
with renewed mentality.
with renewed mindset.

over the past 8+ months.
what i once thought would be something exciting at the end of the tunnel.
turns out to be an illusion.
not exactly what i had imagined it to be.

Once Again.
I have to learn things the hard way.
for me to have to go through this process of thought once again.
its time to do quite a number of things.
and i know its not too late to set issues straight.

-spend more time with God.
-spend more time with people that actually MATTERS to me.
-stop trying so hard.
-and letting things the way they are.

soon.2009 will pass by.
and how do i want it to conclude by?

not letting myself down.

2009-07-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

every monday.
when i wake up to head to work.
i would ask myself this question.
how many more Mondays do i need to go through, before I can study instead of work?

i honestly hope that it will end sooner rather than later.
im really tired.
of waking up on Mondays
and have that feeling of work X5.

could i have the feeling of embracing you?
just once more.

2009-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

updates.

-finally gotten my lomo!!!! fishing starts saturday.
-pay has finally arrived. tho cpf is really a bummer, but its nt gna put dents into the pursuit of project DSM.
-plans are in place, now's a matter of which 1 to prioritize.

anyway.
thought abt things real hard.
its time to make a significant difference into my life.
its time where people would no longer treat me like any other ordinary human being.
whose sole purpose is to try and survive another day among the rat pack.
where people would no longer NOT know me.

i want to be recognized.
i want to be known.
i have so much to offer.
but yet no 1 really knows.
no1 really gives a damn abt me so far.

but that WILL change.
im very sure abt that.

gone wld be the days.
where my presence wld nt be felt.
gone wld be the days.
where my voice will be squeaky and tiny.

theoldmeisdeadandgoneandthenewmewillbeallright.
in fact, more than just all right.

2009-06-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

work was surprisingly good today.
hopefully it will get better.
and that its not a false dawn.

anyway.
all i wanted.
all i had hoped for.
is diminishing day by day.
some1 to hold.
some1 to protect.
some1 to shower my love to.
some1 to be there for me when i need a soothing presence.
is that hard to ask for?

im not asking for something
that stops traffic.
that takes pple's breathe away.

is nt that hard right?
but.it takes time.
really.
hopefully it wont take that long.

2009-06-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

lately.
having this feeling of not achieving much the past 21 years of my life.
i dont have enough fun.
i dont have enough past/present relationships.
i dont have a driving license.
i wont be starting sch come August.
cuz my family dun have ANYONE who is willing to take a loan for me.

instead.
i find myself.
working.
having to withstand the criticisms.
having to bear with the negativity.
having to plan my finances real well.
not having to enjoy myself.
while other pple are bumming their asses of during the june hols.

yet they complain.
yet they whine.
over what?
"oh im still soooo fat" [even though the wind could possibly blow them away]
"hais. why that guy/girl dun like me"
"hais. school starting next week liaos.. Sian!"

wtf.honestly.
they have no clue how wonderfully planned out their lives are at this moment.
they have no clue abt the pple out there, who have a fight/struggle at their hands to make ends meet, or to see themselves inching closer to their dream/target/goals.
do they have a right to feel emo over things which are so fucking insignificant.

then again.
do i have a right to condemn them?
most importantly.
do i have a right to feel emo too?

work is getting more and more tougher.
even though i am grasping how things work every day.
cuz superiors expect me to be perfect.
in everything that i do.
i feel so worn out.

how i wish i could have some1 to share my feelings to.
God is already a follower on my "Twitter"
Can i have a few more?
please.

2009-06-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

lady gaga.awesome.enough said.

that feeling came back.
but this time round.
something's different.
i kinda cant put it into words as of yet.
once again.
some1 has left me simply breathless.
the intrigue.
the mystery.
makes me want to know more.

beneath that exterior of yours.
there's much more left untold.
i hope to be the one to get under your skin.
to unpeel the layers that you have created.

i hope it doesnt end here.

same name, different experience.

2009-06-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

been an interesting week.

won a few things.
lady gaga tix
sakae sushi voucher.

i want to be a part of your memories.
vibrant remnants will do.

lets hope its the start of something special.
time will really tell.

2009-05-30T09:59:00.001-07:00

plain and simple week.
with many hectic weeks to come.
perhaps tml will be a good time to simply laze around at home.

was heading back home from church.
on the green line with Kelvin.
really can connect well with him.
perhaps not on a spiritual level.
but more towards an emotional level.
more towards feeling than thinking pple ma..

thank you.
for teaching me so much unknowingly.

-how to embrace a relationship
-how to handle trying situations better.
-how to appreciate one's beauty.
-knowing how to squeeze tight, and when to ease the grip.
-how to approach another relationship
-knowing how much to give and to take.

lessons that i truly learnt.
thank you once again.
if only i could have the chance to see you again.
not to get you back.
but simply to give you my blessings.

:)

2009-05-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

random one-liners that i thought of today.

its time to be more disciplined.
balance is key in every approach.

i know it sounds super cliche.
but i need that cliche-ness to get me through these times right now.

2009-05-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

roller coaster ride of emotions today...

think i did well for don't forget the lyrics chi version.
hopefully can get through.
ann kok was like smiling at me lorhs.. ZOMG....
think my nerdy image helped matters...

then Newcastle gets relegated.
Bryan sms-ed me
"See you at the coca cola"
then i was like for a moment..
resigned.
what am i gna do?
how am i gna get access to championship footsie?
hais..

oh well.
i think im first in fantasy..
after so long.. but nth is cfm as of yet..
hopefully will noe the result soon.
bragging rights await... muahahahhahaha

work.
again.
hais.

2009-05-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

i am more ambitious than you think.
the intention to scale greater heights have never been this strong.
but.

the time is now.
lets get rolling.

2009-05-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

upon seeing what u wanted.
i really had the urge to give it to you.
but.things are so different now.

if only forgetting you was ever that easy.
upon taking that first step.
only to realize that there are thousand, perhaps millions more to go.
my shoes have worn out.
my feet aching.

but im thankful.
that there are pple.
who are there to replace the shoes that have gone through wear and tear.
who are there to give my legs a constant massage.
who enable me to go further.

project DSM can only go as far as how far my heart wants me to go.
and currently
my heart is pulling me close to those fragments.
which i want to hide so so far away.

im nt posting abt my first day of work tho.
cuz that will be for another day :)

2009-05-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

random thoughts.

why do people make their handphone heavier with all those hanging accessories?
why do people like to embarass themselves with their stupidity?
why am i living in this materialistic country we call Singapore?

really random tho.
im starting work!
kino awaits.
what will i encounter?

Everywhere i go i keep her picutre in my wallet like "here"
Still.
Even after all these times.
I am really.
Stupid.
Naive.

But all these are simply fragments of memories.
that i choose to keep.
cuz they make me smile.
:)

2009-05-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

i was looking thru people's blogs.
being beautiful/handsome definitely brings you perks.
gets you places.

but then.
what about the rest?
the average.
me.

do i settle for mediocracy?
no.
im never like that.

if success is determined purely on looks.
and that im given the chance to alter it.
and be successful.
i will do it.
even if eventually pple criticized my way of reaching my goal.
i dun care.
hey, at least i attained fame.

what people say.
abt finding partners.
with a heart of gold, a humble character.
a compassioned soul.
thats BULLSHIT.
cuz pple go for.

the looks.
the cash.
the material things.

if people say.
that God created you for who you are.
And that we should accept the look that we have.
I say to them

God created technology.
So that we are given.
The chance.
The opportunity.
to alter it.

iwantalltheattentiontobeonmeandmeonly.

am i jealous?
why shldnt i be?
they get to where they are.
without ever requiring much hard work.
all they need is their pretty face.
photoshoots=hard work?
hahahahahahha.
people pay you to pose.
how difficult is that?

infuriated.

2009-05-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

i finally gonna clinch a job real soon :)
like what i told estelle.
my feeling was right.
its really gna be this or next week.

i really need to control my temper.
i curse and swear too easily.
and i thought it was just an army thing.
whatamigonnado?

it's not that easy.
the act.
the pretence of your non-existent.
i still look forward seeing you online.
i dunno.
perhaps your style.
is simply too alluring to ignore.

barca won!
eventually.no matter what pple say.
FOOTBALL is the biggest winner.
rome in 3 wks.cant wait.

2009-05-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

its becoming interesting.
and hopefully.
it will become something worthwhile.
not a repeat of that episode.

T.I. - Dead and Gone (feat. Justin Timberlake)

Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

Ever had one of dem days you wish woulda stayed home
Run into a group of niggas who getting they hate on
You walk by they get wrong you reply then shit get blown
Way outta proportion way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one then rush em
Figure you get jumped hell thats next
They don't wanna stop there now they bustin
Now you gushin, ambulance rushin you to the hospital
with a bad concussion
Plus ya hit 4 times bullet hit ya spine paralyzed waist down
now ya wheel chair bound
Never mind that now you lucky to be alive,
Just think it all started you fussin with 3 guys
Nigga ya pride in the way but ya pride is the way
You could fuck around get shot die any day
Niggas die every day, all over bullshit, dope, money
Dice game, ordinary hood shit
Could this be cuz of hip hop music?
Or did the ones with the good sense not use it?
Usually niggas don't know what to do
When their back against the wall so they just start shootin
For red or for blue or for blow I guess,
From Bankhead or from your projects
No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday the heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away

Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone and
Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)

I ain't never been scared, I lived through tragedy
Situation coulda been dead lookin back at it
Most of that shit didn't even have to happen
But you don't think about it when you out there trappin
In apartments hangin, smokin and rappin
Niggas start shit, next thing ya know we cappin
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now think about damn what a life I had
Most of that shit look back just laugh
Some shit still look back get sad
Maybe my homeboy still be around
Had I not hit the nigga in the mouth that time
I won that fight, I lost that war
I can still see my nigga walkin out that door
Who'da thought I'd never see Philant no more
Got enough dead homies I don't want no more
Cost a nigga his jaw, cost me more
I'da took that ass-whoopin now for sure
Now i think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripes
A nigga put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there talk shit all night
Cuz I hit you, and you sue me,
I shoot you, get locked up, who me?
No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it now I take
Time to think before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday the heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say the old me dead and gone away.

Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

I turn my head to the east I dont see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone, but the new me will be alright
I turn my head to the east I dont see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride

Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone and
Ohh I've been travelin on this road too long (too long)
Just trying to find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, hey eh
That old me is dead and gone, but the new me will be alright




Watch out.
For I decided to leave the past behind.
You are either with me.
Or against.
And I wont slow down.

2009-04-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

this week has got to be one of the most productive and interesting one yet after ORD.
record number of interviews.
record number of invites.
too bad.no money.
but im heading to mylifestylebash event most probably.. haha. [cuz its free entry]

anyway.to my zhong shi du zhe.. [thats what he claims to be la]
its hard.. but i will try de.. thx for your encouragement..
hope yr workplace is niceeee.

i miss the feeling of.
-holding her hands.
-kissing her lips gently.
-seeing the look on her face, upon the surprises i give.
-watching her fall asleep as she rests on my shoulder.
-brushing her hair.
-squeezing her palms, telling her that it's safe to cross the road.
-her sitting beside me during those long bus rides.
-the safety i had in her, when she reassures me.
-the long hours spent watching her draw.
-seeing her smile, whenever i whisper the special words in our hearts.

but.
its really time to let it all go.
knowing that she is happy where she is right now.
knowing that without me, her life is better.
knowing that she will be loved.

this will probably be the last time
that i write about her.
with Project DSM taking place.
with so much happening right now.

i cant let myself be drowned in thoughts of her.
but i cant, like what so many people say, to forget about her.
for what happened then had moulded into what is the current me.
i learned so much from all that.
its officially time to move on.
to a better me.
a changed me.

some1 who can.
-impact the people around me.
-influence the people around me.
-inspire the people around me.
-love the people around me.

and many more.

but this journey will definitely have its moments of downfalls.
but im willing to learn.
so let the journey begin.

all this started with a $2 board from Daiso. lols.

2009-04-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

had quite an uneventful 2 days.
for the first time.in a long time.
i didnt really head out of home.

went to delicia's place.
for a supposed pm.
but delicia wasnt feeling well..
so we went off le..
hope u get better :)

had a decent convo with Ben.
really opened up to him lorhs.
i dun really want to talk to any1 else yet..

perhaps.
after so long.
its time to let her go.

it will never be easy.
she.
so memorable.
so unforgettable.
but whats the chances of anything positive happening?

i have many things to learn.
about this group that im in.
hopefully.
the good in me will shine thru.
and the bad in me purged out.

thanks ben.
helping me out.
at least u pointed out stuff
that i didnt realize.
will really make an effort to improve on it.

now to think through.
about what i really want in the years ahead.
no more playing around.
i wasted too much time
5 years.

its time to step up
and be bold to take the mantle given.
and to see whether i have what it takes.
to showcase myself at the biggest stage.

i hope im destined for greater things.
i want/desire to perform at the stage.
but lets take things 1 step at a time.

2009-04-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

passing days.
those fleeting moments stays.

happy tales abound.
but why am i just not part of it all?

why must i live under such agony once again?
why must i still think of you?

why am i having the urge to see you?
why am i having the urge to be with you again?

afterallthesetimes.
i realized.
i cant forget about you.
still.

its been nearly 1yr le.
i really wanted that job.
so at least.
i could have the chance to see you again.
at least the chance to be colleagues.

now.
its back to being strangers.
again.

my health.
i really suspect sth is wrong with me.
my tummy hurts.
on and off.
other than a slight mention to my mum.
no one knows about this.

its not like the normal stomach ache.
something different.
perhaps.
when im gone.
people will then realize
that im really gone.
but lives will be rendered normal.

cuz.
have i really make an significant impact.
on anyone's life?

iletherdown.
canugivemeanotherchance?
canuhearmycries?
thatresoundsdeepintothenight?

goodnight.
formyrivergentlyweeps.
formyheartgentlyyearns.
for your return.

2009-04-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

working the CBD area has its perks.
certain parts are satisfied.
while others are overworked.

promised.
upon seeing you.
the effect sets place.
strangers meeting for the first time.

to do what you told.
for i respect you.
when we bump into each other someday.
i will not acknowledge.
i will not call out.

we live in our own worlds now.
our paths dun intersect.
thats the most saddening part of it all.

being able to see you.
yet having to be pretentious.

i hate that feeling.
really.

2009-04-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

i really hope its something different.
i cant take anymore shocks.

life is full of ups and downs.
so cliche.
but i would like to edit.
life is full of downs and downturns.

i really need an injection of optimism.
literally?
maybe thats what i really need.
things cant be more perplexing.

on another note.
easter is here :)
busy busy days ahead.

2009-04-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Work!
Like finally.
But it was mundane in the end.
And abit taxing and frustrating.

Finally watched finished YOD.
have many thoughts in my head.

you said that im immature.
but i dare to say that i have changed.
to think in a more level-headed, calm and thoughtful manner.

you said that im childish.
its all because i want to cheer you up when you are down and out.
all i wanted was to bring a smile to your face.

you said that i say without thinking.
now, my words are spoken after much consideration.
that i dont hurt anyone.

you said that i dont think about the future.
i always did, just that i didnt want to give you even more to think about.
now i know the importance of discussing all that.

you said that i do not care about your feelings.
i cared about it more than any other thing in the world.
and i still do, for my family and friends.

now.what i say will never matter to you anymore.
now.what i do does not constitute to anything in your world.
now.what i had tried to salvage will be consigned to dust.

do you know.
that after so long
after so much i tried to do.
i STILL cant forget about you.
i STILL care about you.

but.i STILL have to give it up at the end of the day.
because you are his already.

all i hope.
is that when we bump into each other at some random street in a random place during a random time.
that you will still say hi to me.
and i will say hi back.
and we will move on to our individual lives.

i will support you.
from behind.
no matter what you do.
i will pray for you.
i will keep a lookout for you.

this is all i can do.
for you will never give me anymore chances.

2009-03-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

i got accepted by MDIS!!!

but.. i really dunno whether to take it..
many factors.
money.money.money.
wow. thats alot of factors right...

i wished they would not just sit there and not help.
i wished that I would have the money.
i wished that all these troubles would just go away.

how ironic.
im supposed to be happy right?

truly.
the times in school.
best spent.

can i be your angel?
can i try even harder?
can i be an even better person?

if you would ever notice.
if you would stay behind.
if you would just take a closer look.

im different already.
really.

God.HelpMeThroughAllThese.ILiftAllIntoYourHands.

2009-03-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

can i run away from this place?
i dun want to stay there anymore.
i dun want that feeling of envy.

how ironic.
talk of patience.
that i lack the stamina.

can i forget you?
i want to so badly.

2009-03-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

i forgot.
i want a Fred Perry/Ralph Lauren (authentic) polo tee as well.

anyways.
thats not the main point.

i was talking to one of my gans..
one that i wanted to go after like 5 years ago.
but.. i just watched the chance walked away upon my life.
its very frustrating.
its very agonizing.

ive been watching You're My Destiny lately.
And its 1 show which i wish could reflect my near future.

I wish I could see her again
I wish I could have the chance to say "Sorry" to her face 2 face.
I wish I could be given a 2nd chance.
I wish that I would not have appeared in her life.

I wish I could be away from this sad place.
Some1 please take me away.
I faced so much rejection
So much agony.
That its real hard to pick myself up.
Though it doesnt seem that way, a result of how i portray/behave to every1
But its not that case.

I want to love/be loved.
This may seem very niang.
But I guess thats every1's desire.
For me, I want to love more than to be loved.
I place the happiness of others more than my own's.

I thought I could be a player.
Turns out I'm the one being played.
I dont want to be in Singapore anymore.

2009-03-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

I managed to settle quite a few things today, and the fun carried on @ JW.
Resumes send out to various companies, hoping at the end of the day I would be able to choose where I would want to work.

With the incoming job, money will be streaming in.Hence, I have come up with a list of things that I would like to get, and I categorized them by the estimated time that I would be able to get them and how urgently I need it.

Things I need.
1.Loafers
2.More dress shirts (preferably lighter tones)
3.Belt
4.Cardigan
5.More formal pants

Things I want (by the next 3 mths)
1.iPod touch 8GB
2.smaller framed square rimmed specs
3.Crumpler

Things I want (by the next 6 mths)
1.Lomo camera/lens
2.Nintendo Wii.

Things I want (By the next 9 mths)
1.Taiwan trip.

Things I can pick up.
1.German
2.Guitar
3.Gym

lol..all starts with G.

but... how about my school? haha.. left all that out.
oh well. that can come later.
no one will be raining on my imminent parade.
no one will be able to stop my progress.
and all will be in awe.
and all will d***** me to be in their c****.
and then I wont have a lack.
and then I will play.

Its PLAYback time.
:)

2009-03-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

i guess now is the right time to start this entry.
I am currently listening to 专属天使 by Tank.
This song has significant meaning during my 2 years in army/service.

But. It no longer is.
Cuz I ORD le.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!

This entry will be about what I have gone through throughout my 2 years, on-off army events that had shaped my thoughts/feelings about life, and what I intend to do now that i have ORD.

My life in army was never an easy one
When I entered, it involved one more person.
When I left, I was left by myself.

She meant the world to me.
I will never forget my BMT mates asking me about her.
And just mentioning her name brought a sparkle to my everyday in camp.
Something that is still evident today, albeit with only remnants of it.
I would never forget the moment she sat beside my parents on my POP.
I really thought that she would be the one for me.
I really wanted that to happen.
But I could only look back with regrets.
That she belong to another now.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
Only if you knew.

Departure seems to be the major word in my army life.
I would never forget 02112008.
1 day before my GP paper.
2 days before my 20th birthday.
My grandma left this world.
Seeing her in pain.
Seeing her suffer.
I never teared that much before.
I always wanted to visit her more.
But always had other things on.
If only.
I would prioritize my time better.
Perhaps I would have seen her more.
I miss you.
More than any1 would know.

I lost my freedom.
During an eventful 10 days.
Never before has such a thing happen to me.
I felt stupid to commit such a thing.
But I shall not comment much on that matter.
For it has pass.

Now to move on.
Exciting times are ahead of me.
I cant wait to see what God has in store for me.
Good/Bad.
I will never know.
But I know that He will be there.

I also want to thank many people.
Platoon5.For all the ups and downs.For the outfields.For the VL.For the many outings we have.
Platoon3.For all the fun times we had in the parade square (LOL)
Special mention goes out to:

Jeremy-My bed buddy.My talk cock friend.Fellow aspiring singer.For helping me out so many times.Yet i will never be able to repay you back.See you at kBox soon.

Jesse & Samuel- The reason why I put the 2 of them together? They are nearly inseperable.But they taught me so much.Life.Love.

Zhengjie-My good friend.My BMT buddy.Thanks for letting me learn what true friendship is about.

And there are groups of friends, old and new.
E242-Thanks for being there.Not all of ya'll.But I will definitely remember all of you de.Special mention to Matt.Mong.Jeremy.Karen.Janet.Tian En.Abraham

w497-I guess.Without Kelvin and Jason, I wont be having the opportunity to be where I am right now.Thanks for reaching out, when I thought that no1 would be there for me anymore. Estelle, thank you for all the help you have given to me. And all the rest.. For being such wonderful people and members..

Lastly.God.For being there.I know I have disappointed you.All these times.I failed in so many instances.Yet you never give up on me.You let me realize that truly Your love is unconditional.

I have more to say.. But once again.. My thinking cap is misplaced.
More to come.. But this entry more or less sumarizes my 2 years.

The future ahead?Who knows whats in store?

2009-03-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

this will be the start of something new.
something exciting.
something that's worth my effort to put in

this week happens to be the solitary week (part 1)
all by myself. (think the song)

had another interesting trip to zouk last sat.
rich,snobbish guys exist near me.
my desire to hit the fame level has never been higher.

with fame.
comes fortune.
comes power.

will i abuse the power if i had it?
why not?

Everything - 王力宏

故事里的起承转合有一些忘记
做了多少错误的选择
原来波折才暗示着该走的方向
指引你我来到这一刻

就算别人都说我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

Cause You're My Everything
就一个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天永远从此刻开始算起
你的爱是我的Everything

辽阔天际巧合相遇有多少机率
多少烟火坠落无痕迹
因为幸福没有捷径难免要绕道
不被看好越是要走到

就算别人都说我们没什么出息
不可能会这样轻易放弃

你就是Everything
就这个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

Cause You're My Everything
就这个原因让我勇敢面对这个世界
想给你Everything
不管用多少个明天永远从此刻开始算起

你就是Everything
就如这个原因我会永远记住这种感觉
想给你Everything
只要你说一声愿意所有的未来才有意义
你的爱是我的Everything

If only.
You were still here.
You would be my everything.

2009-03-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

This WAS supposed to be the entry that signifies my exit out of NSF and into NS (Man) life..
But.. it IS not meant to be.

I wont mull over it.
I will emerge from it a stronger person.
Its time to solidify my words.
Its time to take action.

This entry will now become one that is of equal importance. This entry will be about what i have learnt over the past 3 mths, and the lessons that i forsee myself learning throughout the next 2-3 years.

I had previously wanted to throw out all my wrath unto this entry. I had previously had strong feelings with regards to a very painful chapter of my life. To me, Singaporean woman are MOSTLY materialistic, and that they would only look for guys with a badass attitude, loaded with cash, and with looks superior to the likes of Chace,Jesse,Takeshi (this line dedicated to Gwen.. haha)

I didnt understand.Does that mean that the good old adage of "hao ren bu huai nu ren bu ai" (woman would only like bad boys) really true? I really hope not, otherwise I would simply pack up my bags and leave Singapore. Thankfully, it only took a simple bus ride for me to understand much more.

I do miss her.I do love her still (to a certain extent).But i MUST choose to let go.She is happier with him (i saw her at bukit batok today with him) and I'm glad that she is. I would not be able to bring to her life the aspects that she so desire to live out.I failed to see her persepctive.I failed to understand her situations.I failed as her boyfriend.

The only thing I could do now.. is not to get a gf.It is to improve myself, to the extent where girls will find me irresistable. That would be nirvana for any guy out there.And i know i have a long way to go.

Henceforth, the commencement for Project DSM couldnt have come at any better time other than 130309.

I will make you regret.
I will not be bitter over you.
I will not allow myself wallow in sadness.
I will be stronger.

Let the games begin..

2009-03-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

16 Days to ORD.
5 Days to commencement of Project DSM.

let the games begin.
let the world witness the brand new me.
let there be surprises, positive ones.

i wanted to do a longer entry.but its 0309 right now.

2009-02-25T22:45:00.000-08:00

i heard of a club. an exclusive one. its called out-of-this-world-club
upon joining, you find yourself enjoying many perks that no1 else wld.
you find yourself having so much time to do the many things that you have so longed to do.
no deadlines, no time limit.

after awhile, you might even want to leave the club.
not because of the membership fees (oops, i forgot. it's ABSOLUTELY FREE)
but due to the fact that its all too exclusive.
not many are willing to join this club.

i decided to joined it for a few days, to see just how good it is.
at the beginning, it was indeed a pleasant experience.
seeing others struggle to grasp the day-to-day notions of their otherwise mundane lives.
while i revel at the sheer quantity of time that i get to enjoy.

but..after awhile. indeed it got boring.
cuz there was no1 that you could share this quantity time with.
its hard to find fellow members.

i will be quitting the club next week. only to find myself having to face the decision to join back the club in approximately 1 mths time.
why?
simple.

ORD LO :)

anyway.recent spate of events have been pretty interesting.
i learnt quite a few things which im more than willing to share.

1. Ask and you shall receive.
Singapore is indeed shaping up to be a medical hub for people all over the world. And when it comes to Singaporean patients, the doctors are doing an even better job.

2. Expect nothing. Prepare for anything.
MDIS course preview.Bukit Merah Polyclinic.Small, quaint coffeeshop.Library. what do all these have in common? Ans:Lack of candies. But, i found plenty @ those places, as a result of not expecting anything out of it.. And it reaped dividends.

3. Singaporeans love pseudonyms.
This was after exploring FB. Why so? I have actually no idea.

4. Somewhere over the rainbow.
To those out there who seen it. Good for you.
To those who didnt, where were you?

Slumdog Millionaire this week! cant wait.

2009-02-22T01:43:00.000-08:00

as you can see, the posts are coming in with a lil' more regularity.. why? cuz more time le ma.. as a result of sth pinkish looming in my life real soon... muahahas. this is real childish. haha

anyway, had a spanking good time ytd.. spending my night celebrating jason's 21st birthday with e cell.. tho only Kelvin, Kamy, Estelle, together with his brother Ivan and Jason stayed over... quite a meaningful celebration.. i really could see a bond that is very present within the members.. i never could have expected this.. in my nearly 5 years in church.. i never felt this kind of love, this kind of care that is present, this kind of tight-knit bond within every1, tho differences exist, but they wont hesistate to let the particular person know.. very different from what i go thru for the past 5 years with e242..

anyway, went to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button followed by a round of bowling (minus Estelle) The majority of the post today is about the movie, which totally captivated me throughout and left me thinking of so much more.

The whole movie was filled with moments that stood out, not due to it being flashy, nor was it action-packed, nor was it due to the sexual scenes that left audiences breathless, but it was due to the simplicity of the lines and the way the actors portrayed their roles through the passage of time, that left me wanting for more.

Like what Estelle had mentioned in the cell blog, the first half of the movie was about how Benjamin went about finding love and acceptance, as he turned out different from the rest, not because of how his appearance, but it was a case of he had gotten his form and looks. He watched as gradually, every1 that was ard him had passed away while he just went on being more youthful and stronger. The concept of this story was so simple, but yet it brought about so much thought-inducing moments.

The way in which he went about learning more about the world couldnt have been more different from any1 else. He had to start by being physically weak, by having old looks, but as time went by, his life experiences increase as he went on looking younger.

I have so much to think, but i couldnt write them out right now. Henceforth i decided to comment on some of the poignant and memorable moments and lines that strike a chord in my heart throughout the show.

1. "Nothing lasts" as said by Benjamin
Indeed, nothing lasts forever in life. So for all you couples who believed in forever love, please banished that thought as of now. I used to sms her with all those lovey-dovey and cliche lines.. believing that our love will stand through the rites of time.. but.. look how it turn out.. I believe that what we take with us when we are done with this world would be the memories and moments that will be etched in our minds and hearts. I really feel that we should cherish the people that really matters to us, that holds an significant importance to our daily lives, that with every single passing day, we be omnipresent in their lives, that we looked out for them, no matter the physical distances that exists. How I wish that she would have an opportunity to look at what I am constantly doing, but its too late for that. Therefore, everytime that I open up my eyelids, i tell myself, that i want to make some1's lives a little better, be it through be or small ways.

2. The 2 secnes where Daisy touched Benjamin's face.

There obviously so much more, but my memory is really bad.. hence i decided to watch the show again. hahah.

2009-02-19T05:24:00.001-08:00

this entry is posted in a totally different place... a place where i will be for only... 1MORE MONTH!

hahas.. this post also serves to update the rare readers on what has been happening around my life lately..

i spend a crazy crazy VDay.. doing things way beyond what i thought i would actually do.. if you were ard Orchard Road from 3 to 6.. you will see me giving free hugs.. and free hearts.. initially.. i was quite hesistant to actually going up to random people and giving them free hearts... coupled with free hugs.. like what Sam said.. i think i had suffer from a case of ball inflammation... hahas.. but it actually went quite well.. though i must still admit that Singaporeans are still quite a conservative bunch... and the tone of the day was one of GLUM AND MOODY! why the need? its VDay!!!

had quite a V Day.. the bouquets were very well received.. and the girls were prettay glad that i had given them quite a meaningful prezzie.. after all... V Day is more than a couple's day.. it's a day of celebrating the existence of your friends in your circle, in your life...

project DSM is in full motion.. but.. certain elements are still very lacking.. thanks to the lack of willpower from the author itself.. hais.. what to do..march 25 is beckoning! finally... that post would be one to look out for.. as i finally i will give my 11B would state sth different.. haha..

the next few posts would be a start of sth new... i would post in new material... and that given time.. hopefully those material would be given a brand new twist.. so look out ya?

how i wish my post wld head back to my previous direction
how i wish my blog could be about how much i love her.
how i wish of a present and future with her.

but that's all gone.

2009-01-24T00:11:00.000-08:00

Well.. It was a night of revelry and merry-making... NOT.
However, I did learn some valuable lessons, that i should have learnt long ago, just that it came to the surface it interesting ways.

1.It's a small world after all.
The song made it so cheery, to have some1 knowing some1 that might just know some1's friends.. But it might not be that a positive thing.. People might spill the beans behind your back, revealing unpleasant things that you might want to keep in your wardrobe all your life..

2.Girls are a bunch of funny people.
They dont like desperate people, but yet making their way to the dancefloor to get noticed by people, with 90% of them being desperate. Funny eh. Those stupid guys would make their moves, living in their own world that they are the coolest people with their funky moves. But their BO turns the girls off.. and guys with the slick moves just go and CHILL. amazing.

CNY is approaching.but this year I am actually quite bored of it.dun ask me why.but perhaps this year doesnt hold much significance as previous years.in that i have nothing to look forward to... maybe just my ORD. hehe.

another departure from my usual writing style.but who cares.

2008-12-31T00:59:00.000-08:00

Well, its the end of the year. And as usual, its time to reflect upon what has happened throughout the entire year, be it triumphs/tragedies. Also, its time to do some self-reflection on my own personal life, and what are the lessons that i could take from this year, and improve/strengthen @ the following year.

Major Events of 2008. (not in any manner of importance)

1.Obama
Well.I guess its his year.Who would have thought that a complete unknown governor to the world only 3 years earlier would have become the 41st (or is it 42nd?) president? furthermore, he is the first black president! This is the first of many firsts that would happen this year. Well, I feel that he is a candidate that truly embraces what the public is looking out for.. and he uses ways to connect himself to the people that would truly be impacted by his decisions-the Y gen.
Finally a president that the world can look forward to his views/decisions in the near future.

2.Beijing Olympics
Well, many firsts happen during this edition's Olympics. Both the opening and closing ceremony were a spectacle to audiences worldwide, opening eyes to the marvel and spectacular ability of the Chinese. Beijing Olympics introduced us to this name-Usain Bolt. He broke both the 100m and 200m records with spectacular timings.What impressed me the most was that during the 100m final, he slowed down deliberately to celebrate his triumph, but yet it still shattered the world records.. Just imagine if he went all the way.. Michael Phelps. 8 golds in one Games.Scary guy (or is it a shark?) On the local front, the women table tennis team did us proud by getting our first medal in 48 years.. pretty amazing feat.. and tao li qualified for the finals of 100m butterfly? whatever the result, they both did us proud..

3.The existing economic crisis.
Somehow it still happened. I remember my econs teacher telling me that an economic downturn is like a never ending cycle.. and i thot the cycle could be broken.. turns out im damn wrong.. It all started with the US mortgage crisis.. and soon it developed into a full-blown economic crisis.. affecting banks, stock markets, even prices of commodities.. and its predicted that this crisis is in the league of the Great Depression..and that it is likely to extend to the year ahead..this doesnt spell well for economies worldwide.. Lehmann Brothers collapsing, rejection of the bailout plan..it all doesnt spell well for the world.lets hope.

4. Sichuan earthquake.
the natural disaster that shook us this year. the extent of the damage was there for all to see.But heart-wearming stories came out of this catastrophe as well..the death toll stood at a saddening amount of 77,000..it also shown the lack of standards for buldings existing in China.

5.Thailand crisis.
A country divided.the gulf of rich and poor so evident in this country. One (Somchai Wongsawat) representing the rich and educated, the other (the disposed & exiled Thaksin Shinawatra) representing the poor and laboured workers up north.. The scene of protestors entering the international airport was one of violence.

6. Cyclone Nargis
The recipe for unprecedented disaster and total chaos-poor country+corrupted govt+natural disaster.. The death toll could have been greatly reduced.. if not for the poor control of aids coming to the country and the reluctance of the govt to accept foreign help..

7.Indian terrorist attacks.
We get to see first hand how the terrorists work in such an organized manner, such swift and precise attacks on the various places of attractions in Mumbai.. and introudcing the baby-faced terrorist Azam Amir Kasab.. haha.. but another first.. sth that i felt so sorry for.. was Singapore's first victim of terror Miss Lo Hwei Yen.. such a pity that a life that was so full of vibrancy and her life with so much to look forward to was gone in such a scary manner.. And she stayed quite near my place... spooky.

8.Chen Shui Bian & Ma Ying-Jeou.
A bit like George Bush & Obama. One stumbles and bungles, the other charismatic. But Chen was sth different.. he was a citizen of corruption..and yet he insist that he was right..wont comment much.. cuz i dun really know what went about this issue.

9.Pakistan's crisis
The death of Benazir Bhutto sparked a all out crisis for the head of the country sprialling into an all out war.. Thankfully, as we speak.. things have turn out for the better.. but only slightly..

thats all i could think of.. but if any1 do have more to add on.. do tag..

Personal Reflection of 2008.

I feel that this year.. Had been really a great learning year for me..Many things, mostly negative ones.. happen to me..

I went to a 4 by 4
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I lost important people in my life.

To me, those 3 events were enought to change my whole life around.. Looking back, it really shaped my views or they were changed completely..

Its harder for me to trust people.. especially girls.. for she broke my heart real bad.. just as how badly i broke hers..but i was amazed by the fact that she got over it so quickly.. that left me wondering.. how important was I to her actually? up till now.. i still cant forget the times that we spent together.. it felt so true and special to me.. cuz i really felt that she was the 1 for me le.. she represented nearly everything that i look for in a girl.. but yet there were times where she and i both let each other down in many ways..that left me thinking that perhaps breaking up was the best thing for both of us.. and to see her living her life happily with her present bf.. leaves me with only the slightest regrets..

the experience that i got in a 4 by 4 WILL be the closest thing that i will ever get... i went in due to a slight incident commited upon impulse.. and it changed my life completely.. i promised myself that i will never go in that place anymore...

losing that person.. well.. i dunno whether to consider that a gd/bad things.. as i had explained in a post earlier..

Rules & Resolutions of 2009.

Firstly, i guess the most important thing would be to ensure that there are rules for my resolutions.. otherwise there would be NO WAY that it will come to past..

1.Maturity.
Well i guess maturity comes in certain ways.. Different people have different way of looking at it.. for me.. after being with her for 1 yr plus.. it boils down to this- Maturity= Sensible & Realistic Thinking, Practical & Responsible Actions.

2.Physical aspects.
In view of Project DSM... this area would be kept under wraps for the time being..

3.Finanacial Ability.
I realized that with no money.. girls treat you like nothing... they dont even acknowledge your existence.. so.. i have come up with a plan.. to ensure that this scenario would NOT happen to me at any point of time. its time that i learnt to handle them in practical ways.. for Singaporean girls just arent the romantic type.

Well.. i guess this is it.. the end of my summary for 2008.. actually..i have MUCH more to comment.. just that i cant rmb so many of them.. I forgot to include Lewis Hamilton.. Rafael Nadal.. the Spanish soccer team.. oops... guess the sports fan in me just came out..

Here's wishing every1 a Happy New Year! And to a even greater year ahead! cheers!

2008-12-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

我还想她-林俊杰

泪水将我淹没
到底谁该难过
究竟是谁放掉
这段感情

我才终于明白
办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货

请告诉她我不爱她
笑着难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答

我才终于明白办不到的承诺
就成了枷锁
现实中幸福永远缺货
请告诉她我不爱她
笑着难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答

我不爱我不痛我不懂
我的心早已掏空
真心话言不由衷

请告诉她我不爱她
笑着难过自我惩罚
想终止这一切挣扎
横了心说真心谎话
别告诉她我还想她
恨总比爱容易放下
当泪水堵住了胸口
就让沉默代替所有回答

别告诉她我还想她
就让沉默代替所有回答

This song explains how i feel towards her.
So simple but yet so true.

2008-12-18T10:09:00.000-08:00

Went to watch Twilight with CL today. Its a movie for fans and girls PURELY. The show was quite a drag honestly, and that the action sequences were BAH... The cast were pretty decent looking thought.. the supporting cast are worth a 2nd look.. esp Cam Gigandet (pronounced as Jig-And-Day)

However the lines that Edward used are pretty smooth and chai considering the fact that he is actually 107 years old..perhaps its time i read the book and find out for myself the quotes that he used... suggested pick up lines! haha..

went ard looking at different stuff.then bought domokun toy and handphone keychain..

saw some1 that i totally didnt expect to see.. which brings me to..

Perhaps you're right.
I DO have a intention of getting her back.
But the same old problem thats haunting me remains.
I still cant decide.
Whether to let go.
Or to keep on pursuing.

I always wonder and marvel.
And perhaps a lil' envious.
Of how girls have the amazing ability.
To be selective of the things that they want to remember and forget.
For this year really open up my eyes to many things.
How they could easily move on so quickly in life.
Or is the problem with me?
Not being able to forget?
Maybe God should bless me
With the talent to select memories that i want to keep.
And to delete permanently.
Those that will only hurt me more.

How i wish i could tell her all these things.
To keep her by my side.

If she would only ever know.
That she is a part of an assignment
And that assignment is one that i will never get tired of doing.
For it is to protect and love her with all my heart, soul and ability.

But i failed that assignment.
Terribly.

If you could only hear the cries of my yearning for you.
My tears.Specially designed.Beige in colour.
Camouflaged so as not to let you see.
The cuts that you inflicted upon my heart.

2008-12-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

Went to watch Cape No 7 with my aunt,grandma and brother today.And i must say that it is indeed a very emotionally motivating and touching movie, with a simple but yet captivating and humourous storyline.

Present and past events run parallels to each other through the show,and when the narration of the letters were presented, it showcases the different emotions felt by the Japanese guy on his way back home. Whereas for the male lead in present day Taiwan, he also experienced emotions that differ drastically, first from feeling dejected at being a failure in the lights and sounds of Taipei, to being motivated by the letters that he had read and lastly to feeling love for a girl that he never thought would be romantically involved with him.

Through this movie, I got to understand and to re-confirm certain things that i feel. That the most painful form of love is to actually loving the person from afar, be it physical distances or psychological ones.

Love is about making sure that you not only give her the best, but the best ONLY.
Love is about not making the other party feel that he/she does not deserve the love the partner gives.
Love is not about change, but more towards compromise.
Love is to understand her needs, and to meeting it to the best way possible.

All that might sound cliche, or simple. But try fulfiling it.
Dont ever give promises that you cant keep or try to achieve.

I did that.And it will be a hurt that i will keep for the rest of my live.
I will not let go of that hurt.
Not because that i cant let go of the past.
But it serves as a reminder to me.
Never to go back to those days.

To the girls coming to my life in the future.
I will try my best.
Giving in my utmost dedication and efforts.
That i will not let you down.

I let her down.
And she left me.

I will not let you down.

有爱情, cai会有思念

2008-11-25T03:27:00.000-08:00

my mind is in a blank now.
lethargic.
alone.

i lost another person.
but i dun really regret losing her.

2008-11-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

4 days after my birthday.
2 days after cremation.

How did i spent my birthday?
Others would have done it by going to a great place for a great meal.
Some would have done it by spending time with someone that they truly love.
Some would have stayed at home, thinking that it was just another ordinary day.

But for me.
I spend it a little bit differently this year.
Morning:Physiotherapy Session
Afternoon:Maths Exams
Night:At my grandma's funeral.

How's that for a birthday.
But that indeed took place.

Upon all this, I took some time to take a breather.
And examine what had gone past during this year.
And all i could draw out are painful lessons.
Not sweet moments/memories.

I lost valuable time.
I lost money.
I lost my Ah Ma.
I lost my gf.

So many things.
All of them i cherish so much.
Slipped out of my grasp.

Did i do my best to salvage the situation?
No.
And that makes me a failure this year.

I cried a lot on the day of cremation.
Not only for the fact that i was reminded about the goodness of my Ah Ma.
But also the fact that it finally occured to me.
That all these while.
All that i did.
Was doing it in the wrong approach.

Had i did it in a smarter,efficient and effective manner.
Carry off myself as some1 to be take seriously with.
Some1 who is able to step up to the challenge and deliver the goods.
Maybe things would have been different.

I still love her.
I still cant forget Ah Ma.

But what can i do?
To emerge a better, stronger person

I now love some1.
And this time round
I make sure that i will not let her get hurt anymore.

An Eulogy

2008-11-03T06:07:00.000-08:00

You always know how to make me smile.
I know that you always wanted the best for me.
I will never forget those moments i spent with you.
When I came over.

You were always worried.
Whether i had enough money.
Or whether i was hungry.

You will always pass me money on the sly.
And everytime i passed the money back.
You will insist that i take it.
And in the end i will secretly give it back to you.

You make great coffee.
But yet I didnt had the opportunity to ever tasted it.
Cuz you know i dont really drink them
Hence you prepared Milo for me.

I will always ask you to take one lesser stick.
Yet you will nonchantly reply.
Saying that you are already old.
Having one more wont hurt.

Im sorry.
For not being able to rush down on time
To be by your side.
When you needed me to be.

Im sorry.
For not visiting you more often than i should.
For not interacting with you even more.
For not caring for your needs even more.

Im sorry.
For not thanking you.
For the last thing that you did for me.
I will always remember you.

Ah Ma.
Have a safe journey.
Its going to be a great place up there.
I know you will enjoy yourself together with Ah Kong.

I will miss you.

2008-10-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

funny how life becomes.
when you suddenly have time to yourself.

how i wish our lives.
still intertwined.

i still dream of her.
can any1 explain to me why?

doors closed.
but new ones are ever present.

how i wish i could be your guardian angel.
your hands and your heart joined as 1.

will my patience
be rewarded with something that will last?

time will tell.

2008-10-19T02:16:00.000-07:00

im always too late.
in proving my worth to the people that mattered to me the most.

i thought history wont never repeat itself.
turns out it playback 3 times already.

i have no idea what i did wrong.
to get myself into this ordeal.

this year has not been good.
but hopefully it will end in a flourish.

i cant believe.
that im still thinking about her.

and its not a rarity.
its constant.
and i have no idea why this is happening to me.

if only you come back.

2008-09-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

this post spells a departure from my previous writing style.but it wont be a permanent one.
this also signals a fresh start of life.

well..
so what have i been up to lately?

the road to self improvement is never ending.
and never smooth sailing.

with the commencement of Project DSM, i needed to start planning for my future.
not that i havent started on any planniong prior to this post.. just that things now need to be more concrete..

my plans aint working to my expectations.all of them.
sth needs to be done. but a formula/proposal just isnt coming to my head now.

F1 is coming.like soon.
watching survivor.charlie is so gay.but he sounds like a friend of mine.
omg.i cant stand the gayness of it all.

but.. i like the whole concept of survivor.
making and breaking alliances.
thats what the world out there is going to be like.
and i wld seriously be thrown into it.
like 6 mths to go.

how my 6mths going to be like
1.training
2.studying
3.keeping fit.
4.enlarging social circle.
5.forgetting past hurts.

more to come.

2008-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

a new chapter.
but not blessed with a positive beginning.

thoughts swirled.
words spoken without hesistency.
lambasting.
never seems to fade or die down.

my plans.
all turned to be false hopes.
throwing down the gauntlet.
however.
waving the white flag.
even before anything is done.

giving my all.
caring for people.
behind the scenes.
troubles looming.

emerging.
as a stronger person.
with much controlled anger.
re-invention.
no inhibitations.

a new chapter.
will end off with a different ending.

watch this space.

2008-08-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

the journey.
set to end.
though not having the ending i wanted.

but.
at the very least.
things were made clear.
feelings lost, but memories remain.

i got the answer.
though not the one im looking for.
but questions no longer existent.

experienced.
though not the sweetest.
but its was worthwhile.

to forget.
and to treasure.
though different in nature.
are exactly what i need to do.

you will always have a special place in my heart.
but its time to move.
and i have to learn.
to get my engines to start once again.

though not easy.
but nothing was meant to be done that way.
especially love.

i.will.be.there.for.you.whatever.happens.

2008-08-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

finally.
i understood.
why you departed.

perhaps.
no matter how much i have changed.
and improved.
it will not alter anything.

hesitation.
every single day.
even if its doing the smallest of things.

love.
comes to you in the funniest of ways.
when u dun intend to find it.

it comes to you.

the harder you try.
the more you realize its further from you.

i wish you well.
no matter where you are.
my heart will always love you.
i miss you.

Day 153: Alone

2008-08-03T04:40:00.000-07:00

thoughts.
slowly ebbing away.
memories.
slowly fading to grey.

have our love.
become totally non existent?
have we become.
passerbys in each others lives?

a near encounter.
albiet for a short while.
within touching distance.
yet not able to say a word.

am i destined.
to lose you from this point on?
is this the verdict
that fate has given to us?

Day 145: Remorse

2008-07-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

if only.
fabrication of the mind.
can be transformed into reality.
how different things would be.

yearning.
still existent.
missing.
fondly still.

further.
have the distance become.
strangers.
the present status.

if only.
you were here.
to witness for it all.
to hear my call.

but it has slowly dwindled down.
till the point of no return.
i will always love you.
no matter what happens.

if u ever get to see this.
i will be waiting for you.
changed man he will be.
the love for her to see.
has never for a moment wavered.
though its one sided.
but love never fades away.

Day 129: Validation

张智成-很想你
你在哪里?
这些年来如意不如意?
还快乐? 还单纯? 还美丽?
时光如何对你?

我在这里人海中的一座岛屿
很平静风平浪静
只除了深夜里回忆会疯狂来袭
我很想你你知道吗
如果可以就让我再见你
美好微笑清澈眼睛
好确定那场分离只毁了我一个而已

我很想你听见了吗?
这是唯一我无解的困境
那些过去不肯过去
不管我后来遇见多少人
只能叹息
都不是你

我在哪里? 你会不会偶尔好奇?
有没有曾经怀疑?
我说我会忘记只是种好意

我很想你听见了吗?
这是唯一我无解的困境
那些过去不肯过去
不管我后来遇见多少人
只能叹息
都不是你
我只想爱你.

2008-06-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

commencing.
the final stages.
the time.
when actions truly speaks.

whether it will be enough to change your mind.
whether it will be enough for you to see.
all depends on whether you are willing to view the change.

a new me awaits all.
for them.
for you.
for me.

im willing to put down all.
are you willing to put down the wall?
and let me in?

终于说出口-小宇

你终于说出口其实你早就已经不爱我
为什么要低着头你知道这玩笑骗不到我
可是这不是玩笑是要逃避你离开我的理由

我还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你难道这还不够
我还要做什么你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我
一心想离开我

我终于也说出口其实很爱你但从没认真说过
或许是我的错太在乎你却只放在心中
不要问我为什么因为爱你这就是我的理由
我还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你难道这还不够
我还要做什么你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我

没什么需要被原谅我笑的有些牵强
你知道我总是能够假装不难过
我不想看你那么累多希望再给我机会
再搂着我的手握住的只是风

还能做什么你已经不爱我
我一直都爱着你难道这还不够
我还要做什么你才不离开我
我知道你已无心再继续看着我
一心想离开我

Day 103:Redefine

2008-06-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

你那么爱她-李圣杰

直到爱消失你才懂得
去珍惜身边每个
美好风景只是她早已离去
直到你想通她早已经
不再对你留恋
最后的你开始了一段挣扎

你那么爱她
为什么不把她留下
为什么不说心里话
你深爱他这是每个人都知道啊
你那么爱她为什么不把她留下
是不是你又深爱着两个他
所以你不想再让自己无法自拔

beaten.
at my own game.
however.
the rules have changed.

trying to fathom.
all that has passed so far.
starting to doubt.
whether all could have been prevented.

exciting times to come.
but uncertainties still exist.

its time.
for new tricks.
minor tweaks
coupled with major changes.

will it be the perfect combination?
only time will tell.

Day100:Realize

2008-06-06T01:50:00.000-07:00

虽然我愿意-伍家辉

请让我靠近你轻轻对你说
别让我每个夜为你受折磨
是多么不容易才默默放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
别让我因为你被回忆折磨
而空气凝结了我们的脸孔
我别无选择

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂虽然我愿意(心还想着你)

再让我靠近你轻轻对你说
当我说我要你从此好好过
是真的否则我怎么肯放手

为了我就当作这次为了我
赐给我你现在幸福的笑容
别让恨冻结了我们的脸孔
请你做选择

Confessions (Pt 1)
Finally garnered the courage.
To type out what i have been feeling all this while.
All the memories starts pouring in.
As im typing this.

Every morning.
Waking up is hard to do.
For the moment eyes no longer are shut.
I start thinking of you.
People might think i have lost it.
Some might say its just a normal phase.

But for me.
Its simply a matter of losing the person i love most.
The mistakes that i did to you.
The scars that i inflicted upon you.
I can never have the opportunity to mend it.

Right now.
All i can do.
Is to try to lie to myself.
That i could step out of this darkness.
That it will only get better in time.

But who am i to kid myself?
Life not only seems, it IS different without you.
I really miss days.
Where we would be going out together.

I still have so many things.
That i would want to do with you.
That i would never see it happening.
And its all because of me.

I dun want to push the blame onto any other things.
For its no use that way.
And all i could do as of now.
Is to look out for you.
From afar.

Distanced we might be.
But i will firmly keep you.
But only the image and memories.
Deep in my heart.

I still love you.
And i know.
That a certain part of you.
Do too.

Day 95:Uneasy

2008-06-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

surrounded.
by the sweetness
but not the one garnering it

feelings.
stuck in the abyss of my heart.
how i wish you could come
round my corner.
to unlock it all.

how are you doing?
is he treating you well?
questions that i will never see answers.

i miss you.
i really do.

Day 90:Dazed

2008-05-25T06:23:00.000-07:00

trying to hang on.
memories that are left existent.
it hurts
knowing that what was once a tight grasp.
has now become distant waves.

words.
how i wish it spreads to you.
thoughts.
how i hope it tugs your heartstrings.

i lack.
the strength to dare.
to muster up and speak.
to let you know.
how much i miss and need you

i know deep down.
sentiments are shared.
might be wishfulness on my part.
but i chose to believe.

you will be back.
iloveyou.

Day 83:Courage

2008-05-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

郭静-我不想忘记你

我在向前走却像在退后
我在用想念狂欢寂寞
越快乐就越失落
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起
一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱
爱将我们高高举起以后
再让心学会坠落
怀念这宽阔的天空
虽然那里空气很稀薄

我努力想起你笑着哭泣
让自己深爱你再学会放弃
我不想忘记你
就算可以
我宁可记得所有伤心
我努力想起你苦也没关系
用祝福和感激勇敢失去你
爱你这个决定
虽然艰辛
我不说对不起

Memories.
Apparent in every place.
Constant struggle.

Inner cries.
Covered with the smile.
How i wish you were here.

Day 78:Forlorn

2008-05-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

David Cook-Always Be My Baby

We were as one babe.
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine.
Now you want to be free.
So im letting you fly.
cause I know in my heart babe.
Our love will never die.

You'll always be a part of me.
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl, dont you know you cant escape me.
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on.
Time cant erase a feeling this strong.
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

I aint gonna cry
And i wont beg you to stay.
If you're determined to leave girl
I will not stand in your way.
But inevitably
You'll be back again.
Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

You'll always be a part of me.
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl, dont you know you cant escape me.
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on.
Time cant erase a feeling this strong.
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

I know that you'll be right back
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder.
I know that you'll be right back.
Oh baby believe me its only a matter of time.

You'll always be a part of me.
Im part of you indefinitely
Girl, dont you know you cant escape me.
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on.
Time cant erase a feeling this strong.
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

Day 73:Strength

2008-05-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

memory lane.
never a easy place to go.
but i took it nonetheless.

flooded with memories.
but most importantly.
filled with what-ifs.

garnered strength.
to finish the journey.
at the end of it.
i struggle to answer myself.

the crossroad facing me.
couldnt be more wide opened.
should i push on?
or should i just let it all go?

my heart aches.
would you ever know?
my cries within.
would you ever hear?

the nightmare starts
when my eyes open.
deep slumber became my best friend.

burying deep.
not sure whether to stay put.
not sure whether to have the courage.

but one last surge.
something that is necessary.
for me to either get the colours back.
or for me to have closure.

Day 64:Rememberance

2008-05-05T01:00:00.000-07:00

crushed.
its all gone.
all chips are down.

my mind in a daze.
i really dunno what to do.
it was all too little too late.
i had it within my grasp.

but.
i screwed it all up.
i made a mess of everything.
she chose to leave my world.

it will only made me a stronger person.
it will only made me work harder.
it will only made me strive for a better future.

what belongs to yours.will be yours eventually.
no matter how long the journey is.
no matter how painful the stones are.
i will tread them.
in order to get to you.

Day61:Crushed

2008-04-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

steep curves.
a few i climbed over the past few days.
the starking truth i learnt.
constantly piercing my inner self.

but.
i chose to be grateful
for the curves that im encountering
will be the baby steps towards the special sth i chose to hold on to.

enamoured.
the feeling will always stay.
poignant.
the moments that felt.

sharings.
i will choose to keep.
to move that little step closer.
to get to where we belong.

Day 56:Learned

2008-04-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

Pounding.
A case of trapped sentiments.
Not knowing what happened.
Not knowing whether to release.

It occured again.
Insecurities that should never take place.
While fears took over.
It seemed that nothing could alleviate it.

But it all came passing by.
Not choosing to enter this stop.
Continuous endeavours.
Still existent.

Day 48:Soothened.

不管我们之间有多舍不得
但是两颗心不会分离

2008-04-20T03:20:00.000-07:00

solitude.
its inevitable.
its painful.
but necessary.

glancing.
gazing.
part and parcel.
but never what i intend.

heading towards another land
one where i used to belong.
but lately the stay was longer.

the need to sidetrack.
though heavy.
is never easy.

Will i ever gather the missed moments?
And make it last?
Pray.
Work.

Day 45:Solitude

2008-04-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

At least a glimmer of hope.
I see that little glint of light
But amidst all that positive moments.
It was all fleeting.
You seemed so far.
I ran the full marathon.
But yet the finishing line seems to be pulled further back.

If i had to paint a picture.
Black would be the only colour.
Nothing seems to be flowing in the right direction.
Solace was seeked.
But i never thought it would be found in those places.
Spots which seemed to be the most likely ones.
Turned their backs against me.
I feel like Im battling the demons all by myself.
Close allies have desert me.
Everything seems to be caving on top of me.

But do i give up?
NO.
Thought panting and gasping for air.
That;s because of the hard work im putting in.
And achievement would be granted in due time.

I will.

Day 42:Patience

2008-04-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

Everything changed.
Once again.

Back to where it all started.
The same issues.
But different perspectives.
Revelations caught me offguard.

Surprised.
By words.
That you delievered to me.
Then again.
My plans.Movements.
Has never changed from day1.
But it has only made me work harder and firmer.
No doubt it will be gritty.
At times uphill.
But if its for you.
To break the image that you have moulded.
I will do it
At all cost

What hurts the most.
Is being so close.
And having so much to say.
Then watching you walk away.

2008-04-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

So many things and issues.
Not resolved.
Left hanging
No matter what happens.
My plans still will still go on.

You hurt me when u said those words.
But I hurt you even more.
I let u down.
And its only right for u to do that to me.
But i will not give you up.
Not once again.

Day 29:Continuation

2008-03-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

Im confused to where we stand right now.
but.i will work hard nonetheless.
for my and hopefully our future.
i will show you whats worth.
the value u see in me.
will never depreciate.
and only increases.
love will never cease.
security never enroached.
when the time is right.
i hope u will come back to me.
and never leave me anymore.
i felt the days of you departing from my sanctuary.
and i never wld want to have that feeling anymore.

Day 22:Uncertainty

2008-03-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

shell-shocked.
surprised.
by the turn of events yesterday.
i wasnt really prepared for what was coming.

but.
everything goes on.
the road to being a better person.

Day 8:Motivated